Extreme options

Greetings!

It’s been a long time since my last post, yet again. And it should be no surprise – especially if you’ve known me within the last year since I was hot on the blog and diet - that I haven’t been doing so well with the marathon. In fact, it’s as if while I was marathoning I stopped off for a breather (or in my case – a delicious meal) and took up residence in “ohPOOiHateMarathonsTOWN.” Ohhh yes. It’s that bad. No sugar-coating that one, Merpeeps.

I’ve heard from some new acquaintances recently; things I’ve heard my whole life. To them, they’re delivering me a “revelation.” Sometimes it goes something like this, “…it’s just how bad you want it.” Womp, womp. I love a solution that encapsulates a 20 year struggle in a 7 word sentence. Really. Where have you been all my life, sir? It’s a miracle I made it this far without your ground-breaking insight. Bahah. Sorry – that was dripping with bitterness. I just had to get that off my chest. Not what I needed to hear. So how do I “WANT” it bad enough? Hmmm..

Instead of just moping and wishing that I wanted it bad enough, I looked into some other options. Some may think this is a lazy way out. It’s not – and I know it doesn’t solve everything. I don’t care. I’m 26 and to me – this is the boost I need and the thought of going through with it makes me really happy. This option would be surgery. Dun dun dun!!

Yes, folks. Surgery. I’ve done the research, in fact – I’ve done the research on more than one occasion, over many years. I’m set and decided on what I want. The only obstacle standing in my way is insurance. Insurance companies stink when it comes to providing coverage for this type surgery; no matter what your situation is. Even if the doctor provides you with a “this is a necessary procedure,” you still  have to jump through a large circus hoop, walk a tight-rope and perform some bungee trapeze to have a stitch (no pun intended) of it covered. Regardless.. this is happening. I’m seeking secondary employment and am saving for it and have the backing of my family, which is amazing. My goal date is Christmas of this year. It may be longer – but that’s what we’re aiming for!

I want to be open about this, through the process – because I do believe in this option. I’m not ashamed of going this route – or that I’m here versus where I was last year. I’ve been open about this real problem I have and yeah, I had hoped I would make it through this marathon differently. But, I haven’t. And I’m dealing with that. I know the struggle for me is real and for many this is a serious decision and potential solution. I’m also aware that it requires a lot of additional counseling and lifestyle coaching – I know the surgery doesn’t “cure” it, but it’s a boost, which is what I want and need. I’m seeking this type of counseling now in preparation for this surgery and I will be open about this as well; for anyone else out there considering this option.

If you know me – I do not want to be talked out of this. I know what the risks are. What I want is your support. Understand, I have a emotional-eating problem – not a reading problem (I mean I have ADD, but you know what I mean!!) . I have done the research. I know what my problem is – where and why I have failed and been failing. I have and always will be evaluating my options so that I can make sure I have the best chance for success moving forward. Please respect that decision. Some of you already know about this decision – and I love you for your concern. Just be supportive – that’s what I want more than anything!

I have wonderful friends and family – thank you for always giving me your support. Wish me luck as I venture down this longggggggg road.

Love,

your Merptown

PS: I may have also submitted an application for….another option. I’m not sure what the rules are on talking about it, but this may change surgery. I should know within a couple of months whether or not.. this option.. will trump the other one. Sorry for the crypticness. It’s in the title. That’s all I’m saying. Cross your fingers!! Muahah!

It’s a cold day for a race…

I found this post that I had written a few months ago but never published. It’s the only post I’ve ever written without publishing. It seems fitting to put it out there now since I just posted Extreme Options. This was from this past April – I was a bit more, shall I say – EMOtional?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Well, I’m down 3.4 lbs so far after my first official week back, that puts me at 334. So far to go, trying not to think about that too much. I keep telling myself, “just make it through today. one day at a time – one day at a time.” I’m trying.

_________________________________________________

That top half is what I wrote last week. About a week ago today. You know what I weighed on Monday? 338.

What did I do differently between the 334 and 338? Nothing.

How frustrated and angry am I? Very.

No actually, I take that back. I’m not angry. I’m tired. Tired for many reasons – “out of shape” – duh, the other part we touched on a few posts ago, and mentally I’m tired of pumping myself up and falling flat. I’m tired of waiting for something that now feels like it will never happen. I’m tired of the disappointment. I’m tired of planning for a life I want, but don’t have. I’m just tired and despite my trying to get myself going here again, I lost something I had before. The little things that I’ve found to get my spirits up and make me feel good and urge me to make the effort, just doesn’t last as long as it would before. I’m just out – like my body and my subconscious mind just decided to call it quits and not tell me.

I started looking into something years ago back when I was in school and I just moved passed it, convinced I could do it myself. I could have a trainer/nutritionist, join rugby and that would solve some of the problem. I did other things – I did not want to be considered lazy just because I was big, either. But mostly it was for me – I wanted to throw myself into a situation that would force me to change.

Anyways – what I’m getting at is surgery. I think I’ve put this out of my mind the most because it just seems like such a cop-out. Outside help is the only thing that brings me some peace of mind – or hope. I’ve started doing my homework and I’ll be making an appointment within the next couple of months. I’ll share what I discover. It certainly will not be an easy process if I decide to go that route. There would be so much paperwork involved and gathering of information and appointments and insurance stuff, etc. But- I want to look into it.

We’ll see – but either way I’m going to try and not lose it all together. I did cheat today. EMO-eater. >P.. booo, I know. One bad day – but I won’t let it become one bad week.

Goodbye for now,

Merptown

Let’s take it from the top once more…

I’ve been through 5 solid days of whole foods and I’m starting to feel better already, physically. I’m still fatigued, but that’s not going to go away entirely and I just have to learn to push passed it. All I want to do after work most days is go home and sleep; not because I’m sadddd, because I’m tired!

I am gaining optimism with each passing day and I just hope it continues and I know if I can push past that first hump – it’ll start to get easier. When it does, I have to make sure I keep myself in check and not get all lackadaisical about my routine and what I take in.

I turned 26 yesterday -eeep - and tried to pretend otherwise all day. I’m not exactly where I wanted to be at this point. My plan, my goals, my fresh start has been postponed by an entire year. This time I’m not going to attempt to change everything at once. I won’t live up to the standards I’ve tried to adopt the past with a new radical plan so far from my norm. It’s the “all or nothing” mentality I’ve got to shake. I do not want to set myself up for failure. Right now I’m adjusting my eating habits and trying to detox (all those nasty processed food chemicals -eck). I’m not going to bring my work home with me as much or let it take over. I’m going to do the things I enjoy and things that help me clear my head, relax and unwind on my free time!!

My goal for this weekend is to drink a ton of more water (my hydration level is at 23% and it should be around 60% apparently..whoops) and second – create a motivation-board again that help will keep me focused. I need to believe that I’m strong, not too weak to actually do this once and for all. I’m strong in other ways; if I put the same care and attentiveness into my lifestyle as I do with work I would be so much better off – I’d be there already.

So – that’s what I’ll be doing this weekend, among other things I have planned. I’m taking Lexie and to the park this weekend to go swimming in the lake, which she loves! Do a little reading, writing and spring cleaning!!!!!! I’m getting organized this weekend. Also may find time for a nap, because naps are awesome. Like grilled cheese sandwiches and strawberry lemonade on a cool summer afternoon. ;P Oh man, I’m hungry - I better go to bed now!

Goodnight.

-Merptown

What if it Were Perfect, That You’re Not Perfect? (via Why wait? … Take action now!)

This post caught my attention on Freshly Pressed and thought it made a valid point worth reblogging! – MPT

Ah, perfectionism. It masquerades as self-improvement, personal growth, and as a profound journey of self-actualization. It can often turn out to be perfectionism in altruistic clothing, however. I am definitely a perfectionist. People hire me for it. I  pride myself on it. It is  part of how my ego has  built itself up in my life. But what happens when, "Little Miss Perfect," makes  a mistake? Do I offer up a healthy dose of equanimity and compa … Read More

via Why wait? … Take action now!

Game On, B*tches!

I had a good day today. I made myself eat breakfast, not something I usually do – and it wasn’t too bad. I had scrambled egg whites, which may not sound all that appealing, but it really didn’t taste that much different. I had a personal size veggie pizza for lunch (homemade)! This pizza is my speciality; something I co-invented with my friend, Col. I say co-invented, but she really came up with the key ingredients, and I cooked. It’s delicious though, and everyone I’ve made it for loves it!

Veggie Pizza (ps I’m not a vegetable person, and if you’re not either I would still urge you to try it!) – First, turn your oven on to 375. Then slice up some peppers, I usually use half an orange and/or yellow and half a red bell pepper and steam or grill them (if you’re not watching your diet you can stir fry them in olive oil and they come out soft and yum) — (What’s that now? I didn’t say that.. hm?).  Anyways, lately when I’ve made this I just use spray-fake-butter and mostly water to soften them up. Then, I do the same with mushrooms. I like a lot of mushrooms, but I grill them the same way but few at a time. They don’t cook as good if you try to cook them all at once. It takes longer, but it’s worth it. After, I grill cubed eggplant (not the healthiest vegetable – but grilling in nothing but water isn’t too bad,). Once all the vegetables are soft, I put a half a table spoon of olive oil on the crust and brush it all over (this helps to crisp up the crust). Then, I take some jarred (or homemade if you’re ambitious) bruschetta and put a thin layer, just enough to cover the crust. It’s really important to use bruschetta and NOT a pizza sauce – I beg you!!! It WILL ruin the pizza!

Then, sprinkle on just a wee bit of feta cheese – you do not want, nor need, to cover the pizza in cheese like you would a normal pizza. This is just to give it a little extra flavoring. Then – place the pizza directly on the oven rack and don’t leave it in for too long, but take it out when you see the cheese start to melt a little and has a few brown spots. Then, voilà!

I’m trying to do the five small meals a day bit, so I had a non-fat greek yogurt a few hours later at my office. For dinner, I had a grilled chicken wrap with light dressing. I then took Lexie (my pup) out for a run, and by that I mean I took her out and let her run while I watched. We went to the state park about a half hour away, where she has a lot of room to run around and I can let her off-leash. She played in the lake, chased birds, played catch – it was nice. I got a speeding ticket on the way there, though. That wasn’t so nice. I actually asked the cop to please not give me a ticket.” I’ve never asked before, thought I’d give it a whirl. I need to work on my charming skills! :P

When I got home tonight I cooked all the meat-goods for the next few days’ worth of meals. I cooked the steak, the chicken and the ground turkey. All of course is far less tasty than I normally would have cooked it all, but I could only use the spray-fake butter, water and Mrs. Dash. For those of you who do not know Mrs. Dash – it’s the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” of herbs and seasonings. Like, salt, for example. :/

It’s not really that bad though – I know once all the toxic chemicals and memories of delicious tasting foods leave my mind and body, I will start to enjoy and savor the taste of plainness. :P I’m actually starting to find my enthusiasm, despite the sarcasm – I’m gearing up. Nights are the hardest, because that’s when I get hungry. I can get through the day no problem, but late night is tough – and it’s the WORST time to eat!! I really need to move up my meal schedule to eat no later than 8ish. 

On top of that – I’m trying to drop soda and juice. I’ve done well. I still have the occasional Gatorade - which deserve a separate post entirely. A later date. But my goal is back to water and crystal light when I absolutely need the flavor. As for milk – I’m drinking unsweetened almond milk, which isn’t too bad really. Just tastes a little nutty.

Exercise:

I started, well - restarted, a tennis club at my work, which is suppose to take place on Monday evenings, but has fallen by the way side lately. March madness I’m afraid doesn’t just apply to basketball, but my office as well as the org in general has been pretty crazy last month. Conferences, work travel, meetings and meetings and more meetings. Incidents, emergencies, etc. You name it. Not to mention personal stuff. I know it sounds like a big excuse, and to a degree it is, because I know health conscious people find the time to fit in some activity no matter what’s going on, but I’m just not that hardcore yet. Also, this is kind of gross I guess, but I’ve developed a bone spur on my heel. It HURTS! I may be a tad sensitive to pain – but this really does hurt like, whoa! One time when I was in P-Town with friends for Memorial Day weekend, I cut my heel so bad I could hardly walk on it. A dressing was created that was mockingly named, “the foot-diaper.” My heel had to be so heavily padded, just to make it through the rest of our festivities, but once I did – it was GAME ON, B*TCHES! (*nostalgic sigh*)

Anyway – that foot-diaper may need to be recreated if it doesn’t start to get any better, but it’s getting ridiculous and I’m not even enjoying any festivities to take my mind off the pain!! Eeessh!

Needless to say, tennis was out for me today. Next week I’m hoping will be a GO. We’ll see. But I want to start walking to and from work, once the spur is over!!

Alright – time for bed. My staying up late business is counterproductive, but one fix at a time. My head is already starting to spin.

Love in not giving up,

Merptown

EMO-DIET

I missed posting last weekend.

I did pretty good nutrition wise last week, especially for being on the road. This past week, however, lots of emo-eating!

I went home this week and now I’m heading back to Georgia. I’ve drafted my new “action plan” for tomorrow with a detailed schedule for myself. I have a new pup that I adopted a few weeks ago, Lexie, so it’s not just about me anymore, but I have to take good care of her as well.

I have her on a detailed schedule already, which has helped get me in the grove as well. I want to take it a step further. There is so much more to taking good care of yourself beyond just nutrition. I’m going to start weeding through all my stuff tomorrow and do some spring cleaning. I want to get rid of all the clutter and keep only the essentials. Maybe rearrange my room and hang some more art and make it comfortable.

I want so badly to be regimented and OCD by way of a strict routine. I wish there was some way to crack the whip on yourself when you start to slip up; like a giant hand that’ll emerge out of the woodwork to smack you in the face each time you deviate from the plan/diet. Where’s the accountability?! I am always “all or nothing,” which I know isn’t the way to be, but  here I am again starting off trying to start a radical change. 

Ah well. Here it goes. One day at a time.

I have to purchase a scale tomorrow since there’s no Jenny Craig center nearby and I’m not so sure on the local gym yet. I will post my new starting weight soon.

In the Sunshine State

I know it hasn’t been a week, but what can I say – I felt like writing.

I left for a work trip yesterday to Florida. I actually won’t start working until Monday, but I have family here and decided to come for the weekend to visit before I get started, which has been really nice.

I left yesterday morning, from a very small town in Georgia, to Bradenton, Florida. Let me tell you – its gorgeous! My Aunt and Uncle and I went out for dinner last night to a really cute seafood place right on the water. It was really good. They had blackened grouper and I had shrimp (not fried!). Then for a  tour of the area after dinner and they’ve totally sold me on Florida!! Not that I’m hard a hard sell, so says my Mom, whom I tried to convince to move down here after not even spending 7 hours here. According to her I’m, “not a hard sell.” I guess I’m not, but its still pretty awesome!

Tonight I’m preparing for my meetings and travel schedule, but I will fit in some other activities before the night is over because I’m in Florida - it’s gorgeous and I feel great.

I stopped at the Winn Dixie when I left and bought fruit for the ride down so I can stay away from fast food and junk. That’s my travel game plan with the nutrition – sticking to grocery stores. I’ll take some pictures for my next post and share the sites. For now – I’m going to the beach and some little shops and then early to bed. Maybe.

Starting over…

9 – the months it’s been since I last posted.

4 - the drafts I’ve written to come back

##### – the several times I’ve thought about writing another post (# means A LOT!)

I can’t even count the several times I’ve wanted to come back here and reread what I wrote over a year ago. To get restarted again. I’ve run through it over and over in my mind wondering where I went wrong and how I fell apart.

I thought with every part of me that this time was different. That I had cultivated the strongest mental attitude I possibly could and that this would pull me through. How could it not? The fact that it didn’t, and it’s the only thing that can, is what scares me. That attitude gave me confidence and dare I say, faith. I don’t have that now. Even if I can mentally prep to get started again I don’t know where I’ll find the mental stamina to make it last and keep from falling back into self-destructive mode. If I could shut off that part of my brain I would in a heart beat.

I’m here typing away giving the impression that I have no idea about why I fell off the face of the Earth where A Marathon is concerned, but it’s not the truth. I lost my way and ran into more stuff than I had bargained for – that made this weight problem appear as if a flea on an elephant’s arse, in comparison. (pardon the reference) I wasn’t ready to deal and it certainly wasn’t a part of my full disclosure approach with this blog. I didn’t know how to continue working on this and be dealing with that – it took over. Or, I let it.

I’m going to try and write around this part because I don’t have it completely figured out and I don’t understand enough to share. Not a big thing; just a complexity to deal with.  My main struggle is feeling like it stole that fight in me that I had last year and I keep trying to get it back, but I don’t know.

It’s taken me a while to find some semblance of a balance again and I’m slowly revisiting my first quest with much more timidity this go around, but I feel that writing and putting this out there does something for me – my outlet I suppose.

A lot has happened since my last post. I got a new job and moved 18 hours away from home. I love my job, though, and in many ways I feel very fortunate. But I miss family – it’s hard being so far away. The transition was a struggle, to say the least, but I finally started to feel like I was settling pretty nicely. I even started to take a wee baby step toward eating a little better and cooking more. I may have even lost a pound or two!! I know.. ground breaking. :P 

Things are getting a little tough again, though. My family is going through something very difficult and I just wish I could be there. I noticed something recently about non-believers: instead of saying, “keep him in your prayers,” it’s always, “keep him in your thoughts,” or, “send well wishes his/her way, ” etc. I don’t pray and wouldn’t know how to even should I wish to, but somehow moments like these long for something more than ‘well-wishes’ and ‘good thoughts.’ Then again, if you’re a non-believer I don’t suppose you would find satisfaction from praying either. Still, it feels like you’re doing them a disservice by not making an exception.  I don’t know. I just miss my pop and my family and wish I could be there.

That’s all from me for now. I’m sorry this is not as uplifting as I may have started out last year and I may have let some people down, or for some maybe just as expected. But, I’m going to keep writing for me. I can’t change the way things are, I can only be honest and I will never not be honest. I may choose to withhold some stuff,  but not about A Marathon and the relevant battle because I know my problems are not as unique as I sometimes think - and it wouldn’t be right to play it any lighter for the sake of someone who may or may not be reading. I will seek out the positivity and optimism in me and share it at every possible moment – because I want those moments! I look for them and will hold on to every possible glimmer of hope I can find along the way. And hopefully a glimmer will turn into a twinkle, then a shining gleam, then a beaming blast of hope and optimism!!! ;P hah. Today was a tough day, but they’re not all going to be like this. Pieces of the old me are slowly but surely starting to fall back into place, I just need to have some faith. I’m trying.

Bottom line is I’m back here because I’m not giving up. I’m taking it slow and I’m going to make it a point to write and build my confidence back up again.

Just starting to write again is already starting to feel a little better.

Lastly – this is the last entry to be posted on Facebook. Professional reasons.

Thanks for reading.

Angels Thin and Demon Fatties…

Well, here I am. delinquent again..

The truth is, and there is no sugar coating the fact that I’m off the wagon. No, I’m not hanging on, not flagging it down.  Every blog post is an attempt at logging this for sure, but also pumping myself up and keeping myself mentally there, but I can’t force myself anymore than anyone can force anyone to do anything, does that make any sense?

I’m trying.. I talk to myself everyday – well, not like in the crazy sense, but trying to motivate myself through this rough, very hard place I’ve gotten. I hate saying, “I’m trying,” because the whole thing is, I’m not trying. Rather, I’m trying to convince myself to start trying again. I haven’t even weighed myself this week or last. For shame! I’m afraid to look. Not afraid to blog about being afraid to look, which was the whole point of this thing, was to force myself into a spot where I’d be too embarrassed to fail, but somewhere along the way I lost my dignity, so that’s not even working! Yeesh. If someone finds it, can you please mail it back to me?

Everyone has their demons, right? I’m fighting with mine! Trying desperately to find my better angels, whom I was taking that wagon ride with to begin with. Somewhere along the way, my demons were on the side of the road waving yummy evil delicious food, and I fell off..  no, I leapt off!

Now those better angels are stuck circling the block waiting for me to hop back on. Those poor bastards. ;P

I’m still going at tennis full force! I’m in love with it still! I’m saving for a new iPod, I’m hoping that will make my trips to the gym more endurable. My activity is the only reason I’ve plateaued at all. It’s a shame, if I wasn’t so off the wagon with nutrition I’d be dropping the lbs big time!

Every time I think I’ve splurged for the last time, I do it again, and again! I’m holding on to my little bursts of inspiration each time they come! My mom just got me a new pair of these sweet Nike sneakers, with my favorite colors of the moment, pink and orange!

I know it’s all just seems like a bunch of excuses. But, the truth is, I’m just in a tough  mental spot, and I need to work out of it. I know I will, I have to, and I hate what a time waster I am right now, eating away at my allotted 730 days I gave myself to do this. But, it’s a process. I’m taking it a day at a time right now.

I know I keep apologizing for my lack of updates, it’s just when I know I haven’t lost I feel like I have nothing to say, but really – there is lots to say. I did just weigh myself, I’m leveled off at 303.7, with a 33.4 lbs loss total right now. So, I’m holding right now, and after talking to my mom, she’s pumping me up to quite and just start from today! I’ve told myself this before, but I can’t worry about that now, what is done is done. Mom just hit her 40lbs mark yesterday! Isn’t that awesome?! She’s feeling great and looking great and she’s been great in keeping me going!

We’ll talk again soon! I’ll also have to submit my video application for the new weight-loss show and hopefully I can put it up on the blog too!

Until next write,

-Merptown

Week#20: Just Do It!

Greeeeeetings from Merptown!

Well, I plateaued… yet again. BUT… I didn’t go up, so I’m thankful for that. Anyway move in the downward direction, I’m happy. Not satisfied, but relieved!

Week 19: .3lbs    Current Weight: 302.5    Total Loss: 34.5                                                          Days Remaining: 589/730 (as of Friday 28th)

I’m pushing my luck. I’m doing pretty good still with activity, which is really the only reason why I’ve continued my snail pace in losing. I could really be shedding the pounds with all this exercise if I would just quit it with the deviating off my nutrition plan. I need someone to slap me in the face everytime I have a food fantasy!!

Still, it’s mostly emotional eating. Self-loathing takes a fair share in the eating department, which sounds sad, but it’s not so much a, “I hate myself,” as you’d think, but just this subconscious self-sabotage/destructive habit. I get angry with myself in general, for being here to begin with, for taking so long to get there, for doubting myself – for having such a hard time with the mental/emotional component, etc. I whine to myself, thinking how it’s too hard, blah blah blah. But, everyday I’m trying to talk myself back into really boosting up my confidence and motivation again. If I can get myself back to that place I was at when I first started, I’ll get another great jumpstart and get the pounds falling off like crazy again!

I have another milestone I’m setting for myself. When I started my diet, where I lost a mad ton amount of weight when I first started college, I started at 297 lbs. When I break that number, I’ll feel a great sense of encouragement – that I’m on my way to losing it all! And closer to my halfway. So, when I reach 290 lets say, I’ll reward myself with……………….. chocolate cake..   Lol   Just kidding! Hmm, I’m not sure. I’ll have to think about it. It’ll have to be good though. I’m thinking maybe some Nike sneakers, but that’s quite a treat for such a minor milestone. Maybe I should save that for the 50lbs loss mark. We’ll see. Any suggestions would be cool. It obviously can’t be food. Tennis related, clothing related, anything fun is a good motivator.

How are you doing, if you’re on a diet, or a personal challenge of some other kind?

I’m having fun taking better care of myself. I’ve just started this new regimen on  my skin to help clear it up better, and it feels great when I keep with it. It really is a regimen – serum, and two different types of cleansers, lotions and creams, it’s crazy. But, my face feels great when I go through with the whole routine each day and night. I’ve even started wearing makeup again, oh my goodness! It’s crazy!

Alright, so again I will push myself this week with the water. Water, water, water…. just drink the damn water!!!!!!!! And, I’m going to really plan out my meals this week. I’m hoping tomorrow to do meal prep for the week and eat fresh foods – Reshape the Nation style. That combined with my water and activity levels, I hope I can get past the 300lbs mark!!! I want to see a 2 at the start my number this Friday!! Just have to keep moving forward, whether I crawl, walk, skip, run, as long as I’m going forward – that will do for now until I get my full blown motivation back! I think once I see my numbers in the 200′s I’ll get a second, or third, diet-wind and keep chugging through it!!

Good luck with all of you and your own challenges in the coming week! We can do this!! And if you want to scream, just do it, let it out! Sometimes it’s good just to let go! I do it all the time.

Love in weight-loss and feeling gooooood,

Merptown