I found this post that I had written a few months ago but never published. It’s the only post I’ve ever written without publishing. It seems fitting to put it out there now since I just posted Extreme Options. This was from this past April – I was a bit more, shall I say – EMOtional?
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Well, I’m down 3.4 lbs so far after my first official week back, that puts me at 334. So far to go, trying not to think about that too much. I keep telling myself, “just make it through today. one day at a time – one day at a time.” I’m trying.
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That top half is what I wrote last week. About a week ago today. You know what I weighed on Monday? 338.
What did I do differently between the 334 and 338? Nothing.
How frustrated and angry am I? Very.
No actually, I take that back. I’m not angry. I’m tired. Tired for many reasons – “out of shape” – duh, the other part we touched on a few posts ago, and mentally I’m tired of pumping myself up and falling flat. I’m tired of waiting for something that now feels like it will never happen. I’m tired of the disappointment. I’m tired of planning for a life I want, but don’t have. I’m just tired and despite my trying to get myself going here again, I lost something I had before. The little things that I’ve found to get my spirits up and make me feel good and urge me to make the effort, just doesn’t last as long as it would before. I’m just out – like my body and my subconscious mind just decided to call it quits and not tell me.
I started looking into something years ago back when I was in school and I just moved passed it, convinced I could do it myself. I could have a trainer/nutritionist, join rugby and that would solve some of the problem. I did other things – I did not want to be considered lazy just because I was big, either. But mostly it was for me – I wanted to throw myself into a situation that would force me to change.
Anyways – what I’m getting at is surgery. I think I’ve put this out of my mind the most because it just seems like such a cop-out. Outside help is the only thing that brings me some peace of mind – or hope. I’ve started doing my homework and I’ll be making an appointment within the next couple of months. I’ll share what I discover. It certainly will not be an easy process if I decide to go that route. There would be so much paperwork involved and gathering of information and appointments and insurance stuff, etc. But- I want to look into it.
We’ll see – but either way I’m going to try and not lose it all together. I did cheat today. EMO-eater. >P.. booo, I know. One bad day – but I won’t let it become one bad week.
Goodbye for now,
Merptown 
Written by merptown
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